Joy comes from understanding

by laurenmartin93

“The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that is is comprehensible” -Albert Einstein

I can either find myself in the stars or lose myself there. I need the understanding to do this though.

I can find myself in the stars and lose myself there. I need the understanding to accomplish both.

I am at a point where I’ve been very lost. And now I’ve realized all the lost time theres been, that I haven’t been fully living. Life requires passions, interests, connections through communication to others. I’m starting to search for my passion and go within my mind to pull out new ideas. Whats the point in living without understanding as much as I can about it?

At first I blamed this loss in time on my partying (alcohol and drug use) but I realized that I was approaching happiness the wrong way. I didn’t know what made me happy, fulfilled.  Yes, I was given the opportunities to expand my mind abroad, but coming back to a small town gave me the opportunity to fall into repetition. Drink. Smoke. Sleep. Drink. Smoke. Sleep. What interest does a burning cigarette have to me anymore? Anyone can get drunk. Anyone can get high. The better ones use these times as escape, a break. I was using it to not feel. To not be a real person. This time spent getting fucked up is supposed to be a mini vacation from reality, where I can escape into the recesses of my brain and find a creative world to escape to. I didn’t understand this because I was escaping everyday, but didn’t have a wonderland to do it in.

So I blacked out. A lot. I kick myself for how stupid I must have looked, how sad and alone everyone knew I was. I didn’t want to feel anything. But feeling nothing is far worse than putting the time in to feel something positive.

I am working on having a positive mindset that is capable of forming new ideas. I am trying to find creative outlets to better channel my ideas. I have ideas. I might still need to inform myself on things (music, books, art, the world) so I am able to form ideas, but at least I’m on the right path now.

It’s hard though. I have trouble forming opinions or sharing my thoughts (if i find any). Writing will be my therapy. Ive always been a writer. I find it so difficult to form ideas in my mind and then communicate them to peers. I need to work on this. It’ll take me putting in time to my interests to better understand concepts. I feel like my brain has been frozen from years of misuse and is now starting to thaw slowly. Knowledge is the fire that will make this happen sooner than later.

I am taking this class, Physics for Poets, because I want to understand more about science and how it affects our daily lives. I’m blind to how it works and feel that scientifically approaching the ways in which the world works will be a nice change. I’ll post about the first chapter when I’m finished reading it.

I need to escape into the beauty of the sky. Take a breather in the atmosphere.

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